Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Meddlesome parenting
 I came across this article yesterday about a mother being killed by her own daughter. Although the case of extreme reaction was an exception but this power struggle in relationships especially for mother daughter duo is very much a reality. Irrespective of culture and community, mothers love to control their children. The intensity may differ but this innate instinct does lie somewhere. It is more vocal in a country like India because the women folk here are generally not considered equivalent to men and children are not supposed to move out on parents. It is the control and power that some mothers lurch for and end up victimizing their own children in the name of being 'protective'. Mothers monitor their every move and especially when it comes to daughters, the protective nature becomes intrusive. And even without realizing, a normal intriguing parent turns into a meddlesome authority. A very close friend of mine went through a typical hypocritical phase in her life where she ended up losing her genetic family but found love in those who were never related to her in blood. It was when her mother decided to be her marriage breaker. For the reasons best known to her, mother tried to manipulate the circumstances that brought her and her fiance on the threshold of putting an end to their otherwise very strong and loving relationship. It was my friend's confidence in her fiance and his family that gave her the strength to break all ties and be with the ones who truly loved her. They accepted her despite all the ill treatment they received from her parents and continue to adore her just like a member of their own family. Till date, I am unable to understand what prompted her mother to do that and what did she got by paving the way for her own daughter's misery. Whether it was the desire to control her and her new family, or a hunger for power or money or just an ego issue? Whatever it was, she ended up losing her only daughter, giving her child the pain of lifetime and I can easily bet that she would still be blaming her daughter for the rift. Indian mentality does not allow children to be treated as grownups even if they are well past their 20s or 30s. Mothers refuse to let go and believe that its right to be preachy about anything and everything. But little do the mothers realize that this tendency pushes teens and adults even far and they burst either by revolting or taking extreme steps like the one that hit the headlines. Parenting is not about possession, control and expectations. It is about giving and understanding the individuality of the little ones whom you have brought into this world but eventually they are going to grow up, make their own decisions and live their own life. Just a little more thought and sensitivity can make life and relationships lot more loving and easier. Labels: being a parent, indian parenting, intrusive parents, Parent child bond, parent child relationship |
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
When you run out of patience
| In my earlier post on patience, Patience revisited , I mentioned about how you can go about raising a baby with some understandings of the real world. Here I am talking about slightly bigger babies like toddlers, how to deal with them when they drive you crazy. When you run out of patience, you tend to blurt out words that you don’t mean. If an adult is at the receiving end, he or she reciprocates, things heat up mostly ending up in a bad fight, not talking for days but patch up does take place because adults understand this behavior (although I think this is still not a justified reason to yell). If it’s a child on the receiving end, the poor kid takes meanings to his heart and of course even the unintentional things hurt badly and affect the child’s psyche. A parent should always be very careful with the child because they have very innocent and have very impressionable minds. Here are some things, which you should never tell your children whatever might be the circumstances: · Comparison: Never use statements like, why can’t you be like neighbor’s son or your sister/brother. It makes children feel inadequate and also can cause a rift between siblings. · Passing the buck: Saying statements like “wait until your dad comes home” undermines your authority and can also be a tension. The other parent comes home tired, may not handle the things they way it should be or the way you like. Deal with bad behavior then and there. · Terrifying kids: Terrifying kids may work temporarily but there is always a danger that they may feel very terrorized and can lead to nightmares. Use a stern body language and tone to make the children realize what they need to do. Tell them calmly what you want them to do and listen what they have to say. · Exploiting anxiety: We often use phrases like “I will leave you, hurry up” not knowing that the biggest fear children have is that they will get lost. Kids never have a sense of urgency as adults so you need to push them to get ready early. · Labeling your child: By saying things like, “you are a bad boy” or “you are very naughty”, instead of managing the behavior, you are making sure that the child also starts believing in your words. You need to separate the child from his or her actions. · Homework: Children are already so bogged down by their homework that they do not need us to sit on their backs and increase the load. When we say, ”why are you not getting it, its so simple”, it makes them nervous and probably deteriorates the condition. Help them learn and make it fun. I try not to lose my patience and not use words that can be hurting, but there are times when I am driven against the wall. At those times, I shut my mouth and be completely silent, that works best for me. It is not always possible to walk the straight line but by knowing where the straight line is, one can coordinate one’s actions. Labels: anger, how to deal with child, how to deal with toddler, parent child relationship, patience, toddlers |
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Dealing with a child
| How to deal with a child? Its a very sensitive subject and most of us forget to play by the rules of the game.We always want our children to be sensible and not rebels. Supportive environment starts from day one and encouragement never fails. There are some simple ways that will take a child parent relationship way ahead of any other bonds:
Labels: confidence, deal with child, encourage a child, Parent child bond, parent child relationship, responsibility |