Tuesday, January 6, 2009
When you run out of patience
| In my earlier post on patience, Patience revisited , I mentioned about how you can go about raising a baby with some understandings of the real world. Here I am talking about slightly bigger babies like toddlers, how to deal with them when they drive you crazy. When you run out of patience, you tend to blurt out words that you don’t mean. If an adult is at the receiving end, he or she reciprocates, things heat up mostly ending up in a bad fight, not talking for days but patch up does take place because adults understand this behavior (although I think this is still not a justified reason to yell). If it’s a child on the receiving end, the poor kid takes meanings to his heart and of course even the unintentional things hurt badly and affect the child’s psyche. A parent should always be very careful with the child because they have very innocent and have very impressionable minds. Here are some things, which you should never tell your children whatever might be the circumstances: · Comparison: Never use statements like, why can’t you be like neighbor’s son or your sister/brother. It makes children feel inadequate and also can cause a rift between siblings. · Passing the buck: Saying statements like “wait until your dad comes home” undermines your authority and can also be a tension. The other parent comes home tired, may not handle the things they way it should be or the way you like. Deal with bad behavior then and there. · Terrifying kids: Terrifying kids may work temporarily but there is always a danger that they may feel very terrorized and can lead to nightmares. Use a stern body language and tone to make the children realize what they need to do. Tell them calmly what you want them to do and listen what they have to say. · Exploiting anxiety: We often use phrases like “I will leave you, hurry up” not knowing that the biggest fear children have is that they will get lost. Kids never have a sense of urgency as adults so you need to push them to get ready early. · Labeling your child: By saying things like, “you are a bad boy” or “you are very naughty”, instead of managing the behavior, you are making sure that the child also starts believing in your words. You need to separate the child from his or her actions. · Homework: Children are already so bogged down by their homework that they do not need us to sit on their backs and increase the load. When we say, ”why are you not getting it, its so simple”, it makes them nervous and probably deteriorates the condition. Help them learn and make it fun. I try not to lose my patience and not use words that can be hurting, but there are times when I am driven against the wall. At those times, I shut my mouth and be completely silent, that works best for me. It is not always possible to walk the straight line but by knowing where the straight line is, one can coordinate one’s actions. Labels: anger, how to deal with child, how to deal with toddler, parent child relationship, patience, toddlers |
Monday, June 16, 2008
Biggest mistake
| How often did you find your mom comparing you to others? I would say most of the times. Usually parents compare their kids with the other kids of their age to create a hypothetical benchmark. Oh! See he is growing taller,you are not.He studies 8 hours a day but you don't. He plays tennis and wins,don't you feel like doing something good with yourself. Most of us grew up hearing these remarks and believe me I hated these comments beyond imagination.This comparison does not start when the kid starts going to school,it starts way before that,I think from the day the baby is born. May it be regarding baby's weight,his crawling,the day when his first tooth comes out,mothers compare each and every thing.And when they do this,they forget one simple thing,Individuality,of their child. Every child is unique in his own way and has individual traits.That's what sets him apart from the rest of the world. And so his growth patterns,his interests,his views and the way he handles the situations.What you need to understand is how to respect his individuality and not to make the biggest mistake of comparison. When you compare a child to others,and sometimes even in siblings(that's the worst), you end up doing nothing but hurting yourself and more than anything you are hurting your child's psyche,stirring him emotionally and making him distant. I very well understand that comparison is inevitable but when does a sweet little comparison turn into a nerve wrecking monster,you won't even notice,but your child will. He will always feel himself buried under a great deal of pressure,pressure to prove himself to his family, which he always thought, will stood by him through thick and thin.He will start looking for attention from other people rather than you.He will start finding solace in other things rather than your embraces or heart to heart talks. And if the child is emotionally weak,this constant banging may turn him completely against you and he will be a rebel. One question that comes in mind,why parents do it? Reasons could be many : status,standing in society,just to push the child and sometimes due to mere frustration.Its not necessary that if X's child is topping the class,Y surely has to do it. Y may not be academically so brilliant but he could have those creative skills that people always yearn for but never get it. So what should you do? As I said in my previous posts as well,read their psyche and this starts right from the beginning. Have confidence in them.Let them be themselves.Groom them in their specialised areas. Show them the right way but don't push them to follow someone's footsteps. Have a friendly and an open approach so that a child can always come to you,discuss his fears,his life. And if you have to give an example,tell him to be role model for himelf. As i read in one of Shahrukh Khan's interviews,that he tells his children "Loosing is not an option" and this he does not say with any vengeance or anger.What I make out of it is that when you loose,try even more harder and don't let loosing be an option for you.And this is what I ll try and teach my child too. Labels: anger, comparison |